Hush

So, a lot has happened lately.  And I was to busy to blog about it before now.

For one thing, we did the play.  Dooley kind of thought about she was going to cancel it because we were doing so horribly.  But we got better, so we did it.  They both went ok, although my chair throwing scene got cut from the day show.

Anyway, a shitload of Aaron stuff happened.  For one thing, I got voted emo in Mrs. Hartz's class, since we were doing these mock trials.  We're reading The Crucible, but I digress.  When I had to defend myself i said "Nobody here has ever seen me cry."  Aaron looked me dead in the eye and mouthed "I have."  Which isn't even fucking true.

Then, the day after that.  We were selling tickets during lunch.  It was the two of us and Spencer.  He had to go get a chair because me and Spencer took the two at the table.  He brings the chair over there, sits it down next to me, and sits as close to me as humanly possible. 

Things died down for a few days.  but we've kind of been talking again.  Not like we used to, but it's better than nothing.  Then he im'ed me Friday night.  He was complaining about how Ashton had ditched him pretty much all day, and I told him it was my fault, but it didn't help.  Oh yeah, me and Ashton are friends now, don't know if I mentioned that before.  Anyway, he was talking about how sad that made him, and I told him that I didn't know what to say.  So he was like, well, I guess I'll bottle it all up and go to bed angry.  I told him that that was a really bad idea, because bottling never works out.  I told him that the last time I bottled something up, it exploded into that dumbass note I gave him, which caused a panic attack in the back of the auditorium.  He asked me if he caused that, and I told him it didn't matter, bottling things up never works.

Sometime after that he said that he couldn't think of a single reason they were still together.  I said "what?" and he said that he had been walking around the school before the play, and he asked himself why he and Ashton were still together, and he couldn't come up with a single reason.  Of course, I start getting all hopeful and shit.  I asked him what he thought that meant, and he said something bad.  But then he was all like, I was bummed then.  I can think of things now.  We went on like this for a while, and he started to get off, so I asked him if I could ask him a question.  I asked him why he stopped talking to me.  He gave me this shit line about being lazy and not wanting to talk over myspace and figuring we'd reconnect in first block this semester.  So I pointed out that for the last six months I've thought he was mad at me.

That's when he did the thing I hate most about him.  He said "I could never be mad at you."  So I point blank asked him whether me liking him had anything to do with it.  He said that that never bothered him.  So I asked him if it bothered him that people always bugged him about us.  He said it never bothered him, and since I didn't reply he added not once.  I ended up getting pissed and saying "btw, you did cause my panic attack.  now goodnight."  After I said that he logged off without saying anything else, and I felt so bad.  So I sent him an apology.

i am so sorry

i shouldn't have said that
and i mean, i don't know if that's why you got off here or if it was because you were so sleepy, but i know that if i were you and someone had said that shit to me, i would get pissed and sign off
but i am sorry
i also meant it. i don't really think it was just you though. and even the part that was, it was still more me than you. you were pretty much my best friend at the time, and i thought i was losing you, and i'll admit right now that that really scared me.
i guess i was so scared because i relied on you so much. it never failed that i could talk to you if i felt depressed, which was more often then not back then. you understood what i was trying to say even when i didn't, and, i don't know if you knew this or not, but i found that it was actually pretty hard to get through a day without talking to you, much less a week, or a month.
when i write you that dumbass note that i gave you after tom sawyer, it had been about three months, and like i said earlier, i just tried to bottle up every thing that i felt so i could deal with it when i learned how to, and instead of eventually being able to learn how to deal with it, it exploded into that note.
so, when i gave it to you, i was absolutely convinced that you would absolutely hate me after reading it. so, panic attack ensued when i thought that i may never talk to you again. yeah, you are that goddamned important to me.
you know, i wouldn't blame you at all if you never spoke to me again. if that's why you got off, because i said that, then that was a really low blow, and if the situation was reversed, i don't think i would talk to someone that said that to me.

He didn't read it until Saturday night.  He im'ed me again, and was just like, dude, I could never be mad at you (AGAIN).  He also told me that he relied on me just as much as I relied on him.  I think I almost cried.  He saved the message too.  And apparently he knows that I sometimes pop pills.  That was Tiffany's post secret, but he thought it was mine.  See, he was going to go do some variety of drug, and I was like, dude.  He said that I couldn't say anything since I popped pills.  So of course I was just like, how the fuck did you know that.  He thought that Tiffany's post secret was mine because our handwriting was similar.  But he also knew because he knows me so well.  He told me he knew because depression pretty much equals drug use.  And he would definitely know.