Up Against The Wall

That was the first song that played when I hit shuffle on my ipod...

Anyway, past few days have been crazy time, because I was trying to hurry and finish all the physics stuff I could, and I was trying to learn all the lines I can for the play, plus I'm all thoroughly depressed over this Aaron shit. I mean, it is just ridiculous. I understand that he obviously doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him, and that just can't be helped. It's the douchey way he is treating me that is making me feel so bad. That's not him. It just isn't.

I found out today that this girl I don't like think she's a lesbian. I honestly think that's pretty funny, because just two or three weeks ago she was trying to hook her skanky little claws in Aaron. And it's not like I'm homophobic. Austin is my best friend and I have a few lesbian and bi friends. Speaking of, the girl has been flirting with Colleen like crazy at lunch, and I was talking about it with her in front of Sydney, and it was so funny, you could almost see Sydney putting on her butch pants and getting ready for a throwdown.

I think Cody Scott was trying to get in my pants today in the prop hall. I went in there to talk to Kaitlyn about this thing we were supposed to do for John The Freshman, and the light wasn't on, so I went in first, and held the door open for her to come on in. But, instead of her, he came in, and started grabbing at me. He tried to play it off like he was joking, but that's just because I was overpowering him, I think. He's been touching my leg and stuff a lot lately, and calling me. That's just what I need.

I'm A Million Different People From One Day To The Next

A part of The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" which plays at the end of a very excellent movie by the name of Cruel Intentions, which stars the kick-ass Sarah Michelle Geller. But I digress.

I know that a blog or two ago I said I was finished with Aaron, but it's not that simple. You, whoever it is that apparently keeps viewing my profile and hopefully reading my blog, probably knew that. It's just that I love him, or at least I think I love him. And if I do love him, it's not going to be that simple. At all. Every day I pass him in the hall, between second and third block, and it kills me because he doesn't stop and say hi. Go back a few months and I would have been late to class because we would've been talking so long.

But now, he doesn't even look my way. I don't know what his problem is. I considered him one of my best friends, my best dude friend as a matter of fact. And for a long time, I was number four on his myspace, the first girl. That means something in my world. Right now, I'm punishing myself. I just clicked his picture in my top friends window on my homepage. Right now, in another tab, his profile is loading, and I'm going to see where I'm at now. I won't be surprised if I'm not on there at all.

Wow. I'm still number four. First girl. I am very, very surprised. I love him. I do. And I fucking hate it so fucking much because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can barely keep him as a friend, there's no way I'll ever be able to have anything more with him.

I only realized a month or two ago, but I have loved him for 422 days. Well, 423 about an hour ago. There's nothing I can do about it.

I haven't slept lately. I'm becoming an insomniac. It is not fun. At all. When Edward Norton's character in Fight Club described insomnia as never being asleep, but never really being awake either, he hit it right on the head. I just wish I could sleep.

This Song Will Always Be For You (Forever And Never)

You know, the characters that one identifies themself with really says a lot about a person. I've known this for a long time, but it just astounds me, sometimes, the characters that make me think of myself. For one, Dr. Horrible is me. Well, he has more penis, is hotter, and is played by a gay man, but the point is, the basic identity of Dr. Horrible, or Billy, as his "alter-ego" introduces himself to Penny, is just like mine. He is an everyman that will never ever be completely satisfied with that. He chooses the supervillian approach to getting out of his everyman rut, but that's just a huge metaphor for not being inherently good, which no one, not even Nathan Fillion's Captain Hammer, can possibly be.

Dr. Horrible isn't exactly a creature of evil though, he's just trying to make a way for himself in a world he doesn't completely understand. He's just trying to show The Girl that he's not just a loser, and he tries to do it the only way he can, which is being his not-so-good-or-perfect self.

Listening to the song "Brand New Day" from the show earlier made me realize that I just wish I could do that. Not kill anyone, obviously, just say "to hell with all this shit about pretending to be good. I'm not good." Don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to pretend I'm evil or anything, because I'm not. I just don't even believe in superheroes. And by that I mean that I don't think anyone out there can do something good without ever having a single selfish motive behind it. And doing something good for a selfish reason doesn't make it doing something bad, the good was still done. It just takes the hero out of it.

It's like how people always talk about how police officers and firemen and such are these great heroes, when really they're just men and women earning a paycheck. Sure, they weren't forced into the job, they chose to do it, but they all choose to do it for selfish reasons. But, like I said, a good thing done for selfish reasons is still a good thing.

I don't know, I'm sorry, I know this blog jumped around randomly with all sorts of crazy sidesteps that never seemed to get back on course, but I just needed to rant my heart out, and this was the only place I could do it that wouldn't lose me a friend or two. So, feel free to just pretend you never read any of this crap.

A Few Thousand Important Things

First of all, a recap of the fair since I didn't really write during it. Went first Thursday, the free Wednesday, and second Friday night. I think I wrote about Thursday. If I didn't, I'll blog about it later. On that Wednesday, I saw the psychic. He told me a lot of stuff, that I'd been having trouble with my mother figure, and that I had an important decision to make about relationships in the next two days. He hit that one right on the head, because exactly forty eight hours later I made a decision. I decided that Aaron is no longer worth all the trouble he is putting me through. I love him, but I don't care. I'm putting all that aside from now on, and he's just a friend.

Friday night at the fair I got to hang out with Lyn-Z, until she found out that Curtis had lied to her, then I got to herd her little sisters around with the occasional help of Richard, Colton, and Chris. Honestly, I think I might have a little bit of a thing for Richard, although it may just be the fact that he;s adorable. That's actually probably it.

Thursday night I went home with Morgan. We watched In The Land Of Women, until her DVD player mysteriously wouldn't connect to any tv in her house. It was weird. Then, on Friday, instead of going to the fair like we had planned, we decided to go watch (500) Days Of Summer. It was amazing! And not just because I have a Zooey Deschanel/Matthew Gray Gubler weakness. It was actually an amazing movie. And the tagline fit it great. "This Is Not A Love Story, It's A Story About Love."

I kind of skipped school today. I got on the bus this morning, got some bad cramps, Mom picked me up at Kyrock, went home, took some Midol, felt all better, and went shopping. I bought the Director's cut of the first episode of glee on DVD for five bucks. I get a free t shirt. And I bought some white nail polish and Parachute's CD. It is pretty good.

Now, for the grand finale of this blog, I have found my new obsession. It is called Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. If, my dear readers, you have no yet heard of this, I suggest you immediately go to the_website and watch them. It's three episodes, although if it's on the interweb, it's more like six, and it stars Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion. And, best of all, it was created by god. I mean Joss Whedon. Well, same thing really. Tomorrow I will be buying the complete series off itunes for five dollars, and I am very excited.

It's Only Time (Until You Find Out)

Patrick Swayze died today. This makes me sad. I like him.

I found out that my phone is able to do bluetooth between phones. At&T are lying bastards, so I'm not surprised.

One Tree Hill started back tonight. It was ok, but without Peyton and Lucas it can only ever be sub-par.

Wow, I had less to say than I thought.

It's Been A Long Time Coming

So I haven't posted in about eleven days. Sue me. A lot has been going on.

First of all, Katie and I still aren't friends, although I think she thinks we are. Aaron is no longer mad at me. He says he never was, but I don't really believe that. Kyle dumped Amy, basically for Katie, and I think he's a moron. I got a new cell phone, an orange AT&T Quickfire. The fair is in town, and last night Jake tried to kiss me. And a new friend named Jared agreed to be my fuckbuddy, but he won't date me. Not that I really want either.

Well, that's what all has happened in a nutshell.

Also, over the past couple of days I have realized, due in part to the movies American Beauty and Alex & Emma, that I am so totally in love with Aaron that it is ridiculous of me to even think I could be happy with someone else. Confused? I'll explain. Alex & Emma, the Luke Wilson Kate Hudson rom-com where he's the author and she's the stenographer, is where I stole that entire sentence, more or less. If you haven't seen this movie, Netflix that shit. Or just watch Music & Lyrics, just imagine Luke Wilson instead of Hugh Grant, and Kate Hudson instead of Drew Berrymore. Although those two look so much alike, it wouldn't be difficult, and writing books instead of songs.

American Beauty comes into the equation because of the character of Ricky Fitts. He is much like Aaron, although a lot weirder. Aaron's weird, but not that weird. Anyway, I completely fell in fictional character love with Ricky Fitts, and I realized that if I could like a character so undeniably strange (for god's sake he thought that-Spoiler!- Kevin Spacey's brains all splattered around the kitchen was beautiful, you could just tell by the look on his face) then I had to be in complete awe of Aaron. And I am. I love him so much, or at least I have deeper feelings for him than I have for anyone before, and that really does feel like love.