A part of The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" which plays at the end of a very excellent movie by the name of Cruel Intentions, which stars the kick-ass Sarah Michelle Geller. But I digress.
I know that a blog or two ago I said I was finished with Aaron, but it's not that simple. You, whoever it is that apparently keeps viewing my profile and hopefully reading my blog, probably knew that. It's just that I love him, or at least I think I love him. And if I do love him, it's not going to be that simple. At all. Every day I pass him in the hall, between second and third block, and it kills me because he doesn't stop and say hi. Go back a few months and I would have been late to class because we would've been talking so long.
But now, he doesn't even look my way. I don't know what his problem is. I considered him one of my best friends, my best dude friend as a matter of fact. And for a long time, I was number four on his myspace, the first girl. That means something in my world. Right now, I'm punishing myself. I just clicked his picture in my top friends window on my homepage. Right now, in another tab, his profile is loading, and I'm going to see where I'm at now. I won't be surprised if I'm not on there at all.
Wow. I'm still number four. First girl. I am very, very surprised. I love him. I do. And I fucking hate it so fucking much because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can barely keep him as a friend, there's no way I'll ever be able to have anything more with him.
I only realized a month or two ago, but I have loved him for 422 days. Well, 423 about an hour ago. There's nothing I can do about it.
I haven't slept lately. I'm becoming an insomniac. It is not fun. At all. When Edward Norton's character in Fight Club described insomnia as never being asleep, but never really being awake either, he hit it right on the head. I just wish I could sleep.
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