Untitled.

I hate when people say "I wish it was me instead."  For one thing, almost no one actually means it.  Most people say it so they sound like a good person.  I hate it when people who barely knew someone act like they were best friends because no one is left to contradict them.  I hate when someone tries to tell you that it's a good thing that you haven't cried yet.  Because it's not.  I feel so heartless.  Ben was one of my close friends, and I can't even cry over him.  I told Tony that I think it's my subconscious mind trying to make me strong for my friends, so I can be there for the people who need me, but I'm not so sure.  I loved him as a friend, and I liked him as a guy and I can't even shed a tear for him.  I don't know, maybe it still hasn't sunk in, but it's been over a day.  I still can't think of the future without it involving Ben.  I just can't understand.  But I know he's dead.  I looked up the stages of grief.  Denial, I covered that when I asked Morgan if she was kidding when she told me.  Anger, I think I've covered.  I'm not angry at Ben, but I am angry at Sara, whether it's her fault or not, she didn't help.  Bargaining isn't going to happen because I believe in karma, not god, and bargaining with karma doesn't work.  Depression is ongoing, because I'm pretty fucking sad about this.  And I have accepted the fact that he's gone.  I know he's not coming back.  So I've covered the stages.  But no crying, and no closure.

Speaking of closure, everyone keeps asking why.  I don't know how this is supposed to help people find closure.  It doesn't matter why, knowing the reason is going to make him come back to life.  So why bother knowing.  Why bother building up this hope that knowing why is going to bring you closure, when you really know the only thing that will make it all better would be for it to have never happened in the first place.  And that's impossible.

Ben.

I come to you today with sad news.  A good friend of mine, Ben Owens, committed suicide yesterday.  He was a sophomore, he was in drama with me, he was smart, funny, and one of the nicest guys I've ever met.  I don't know why he did it.  There is speculation that it had to do with his exgirlfriend, Sarah.  She was the last person he talked to, and she is known to make him feel as bad as she can.  She always blamed him for her cheating on him with multiple guys.  But I don't know for sure.  I don't know if he left a note or not.

Honestly, it's not going to make a difference why he did it.  The point is that he was my friend, and now he's dead.  I had a crush on him, but I was too scared to tell him, and now he'll never know.  I don't think that would've made a difference, but I still wish I had told him.

Yesterday afternoon I got on myspace and saw that he had a few very upset statuses.  I wanted to talk to him to see if he was ok, because I knew he'd get really depressed sometimes.  But I didn't have his phone number.  I could've gotten it if I tried, but I didn't try.  I assumed he would be fine.  Assumed.  I don't know if I could've saved him, but I know I didn't even try.  I could've called Lloyd to get his number, or anything, but I didn't.

I just can't stop thinking about how fine he seemed yesterday at school.  First block we had a food day, and we were joking around, and he was using me as his foot rest like he always did.  He was even playing magic with Chris Minor.  He offered to teach it to me.  He was planning for the Dooley's on Monday night.  He couldn't decide if he wanted to be Luigi or Link.  He liked the boots I was wearing yesterday because they reminded him of the ones Link wears.  In fourth block, he signed Morgan's yearbook and showed me the Pacman game on google.  I told him I was going to steal his sand gourd backpack, and he laughed.  A few days ago, he signed my yearbook, and talked about some of our GSA workshop inside jokes.

I was at school when I found out.  Erin's play was last night, and I had promised her I would go.  Morgan called me while I was driving, but I didn't answer.  When I got to school, I called her back, and she told me.  She and John and Jacob were at Dooley's house.  Jason came and got me and took me there.  By the end of the night practically everyone from drama was there, including Matt Long.  Mr. Alexander and Mrs. Raymer even showed up.  I don't think I've ever been hugged so much in my entire life.  Lloyd was a wreck, and it just broke my heart.  When he got there I rushed outside and just stood in Dooley's driveway, holding him while he cried.  I still haven't even cried yet, not really.  I don't think it's going to sink in until Monday morning, when I walk in first block and see his empty chair.  He always sat in the yellow rolly chair beside my chair.  He liked it because it was cushy.

Monday they're going to have special counselors for the drama kids.  I don't know if I'll talk to one or not though.  I don't know if I can.

Carpe Diem, Carpe Noctem, Carpe Vitam

"Seize The Day, Seize The Night, Seize The Life."

I'm tired of constantly having feelings for someone and getting my hopes and, just to have them knocked out of the sky.  I'm sick of crash landing on the ground.  And this isn't spurred on by some terrible, dramatic event or anything, I'm just sick of getting hurt.

I'm still going to like guys, but I am literally done going after them.

It's not really that I believe that line about the second you stop looking for love, love finds you, or anything dumb like that, I'm just tired of fucking my life up over a guy.  If I could redo my entire high school career, the only thing I would really have to do different is stop giving a damn about the male population.  Then life would be so much better.

Prom! [Being Part Dos In A Dos Part Series] {In Which Our Heroine Goes Into Battle And Slays The Monster Known As Fun}

It's been a busy week and that's why part two took so freaking long.

For one thing, prom was a total bust.  I had no fun.  At all.  Tiffany completely abandoned me, so I literally sat at a table by myself all night.  It sucked.  Next year, I am not going if I don't have a date.

Anyway, the play was last night.  Douglas's show is tonight, and so is the cast party.  Expect lots and lots of tears.  There's already been a ton and a half.  So many of my friends are graduating  I don't know what I'm going to do without all of them.  I don't know what I;m going to do when I graduate.  Like Douglas said, drama is my home.

Austin and I got into worse than ever.  It really is completely over now.  I left him with the words "If you ever talk to me again I will beat the hell out of you," floating in the air.  He told everyone he was going to beat the shit out of me after the show last night.  Boy was he surprised at my reaction.  He is lucky that Douglas and Ashton and other people calmed me down, because I was going to beat the hell out of him.

Prom! [Being Part Uno In A Dos Part Series] {In Which Our Heroine Prepares For Battle}

I do believe I am in love with that name...

So, I'm no longer mad at Joseph.  I still think it was a really shitty move, but I'm not mad.  It's impossible to stay mad at him.  Plus, he promised to pay for me to get my industrial pierced.  So, it's a win win situation.

So,a s you know, everything is flooded.  Well, actually, the water under the bridge in Brownsville is pretty much back to normal now, but until sometime yesterday it was only a few feet away from the closest house.  Down at the dam it was almost post-apocalyptic.  The boat ramp was completely under water.  I took some pictures, and here's the best one for you to peruse and appreciate.

It's called Landslide Flood because it looks like a landslide and a flood rushing up to meet each other.  It's on my deviantart. 

Everything that I got nfor prom, except my dress of course, is totally reusable.  The shoes, the purse, the jewelry, I'm definitely going to wear it again.  Oh, I convinced mom that Joseph is going to be picking me up in street wear because we have to go pick up his tux.  Yeah, I'm a liar, so what?

Exsistentialism On Prom Night

I don't care for Straylight Run, but the title is appropriate.

So, I am currently pissed.  Very pissed.  Extremely pissed.  Livid.

So, I was all set to go to prom this Saturday with Joseph, right?  I have my dress and everything.

Joseph's not taking me.  He was the given the choice between prom and a tattoo.  One guess what that little bastard picked. 

I wouldn't even be so mad if I hadn't already spent a hundred and fifty dollars on my dress.  There are about six days until prom, I'm never going to find someone to go with in time.  And since I don't drive, I can't take myself.

My parents are home now, I'll blog more later, since they haven't found out yet.