Untitled.

I hate when people say "I wish it was me instead."  For one thing, almost no one actually means it.  Most people say it so they sound like a good person.  I hate it when people who barely knew someone act like they were best friends because no one is left to contradict them.  I hate when someone tries to tell you that it's a good thing that you haven't cried yet.  Because it's not.  I feel so heartless.  Ben was one of my close friends, and I can't even cry over him.  I told Tony that I think it's my subconscious mind trying to make me strong for my friends, so I can be there for the people who need me, but I'm not so sure.  I loved him as a friend, and I liked him as a guy and I can't even shed a tear for him.  I don't know, maybe it still hasn't sunk in, but it's been over a day.  I still can't think of the future without it involving Ben.  I just can't understand.  But I know he's dead.  I looked up the stages of grief.  Denial, I covered that when I asked Morgan if she was kidding when she told me.  Anger, I think I've covered.  I'm not angry at Ben, but I am angry at Sara, whether it's her fault or not, she didn't help.  Bargaining isn't going to happen because I believe in karma, not god, and bargaining with karma doesn't work.  Depression is ongoing, because I'm pretty fucking sad about this.  And I have accepted the fact that he's gone.  I know he's not coming back.  So I've covered the stages.  But no crying, and no closure.

Speaking of closure, everyone keeps asking why.  I don't know how this is supposed to help people find closure.  It doesn't matter why, knowing the reason is going to make him come back to life.  So why bother knowing.  Why bother building up this hope that knowing why is going to bring you closure, when you really know the only thing that will make it all better would be for it to have never happened in the first place.  And that's impossible.