Ben.

I come to you today with sad news.  A good friend of mine, Ben Owens, committed suicide yesterday.  He was a sophomore, he was in drama with me, he was smart, funny, and one of the nicest guys I've ever met.  I don't know why he did it.  There is speculation that it had to do with his exgirlfriend, Sarah.  She was the last person he talked to, and she is known to make him feel as bad as she can.  She always blamed him for her cheating on him with multiple guys.  But I don't know for sure.  I don't know if he left a note or not.

Honestly, it's not going to make a difference why he did it.  The point is that he was my friend, and now he's dead.  I had a crush on him, but I was too scared to tell him, and now he'll never know.  I don't think that would've made a difference, but I still wish I had told him.

Yesterday afternoon I got on myspace and saw that he had a few very upset statuses.  I wanted to talk to him to see if he was ok, because I knew he'd get really depressed sometimes.  But I didn't have his phone number.  I could've gotten it if I tried, but I didn't try.  I assumed he would be fine.  Assumed.  I don't know if I could've saved him, but I know I didn't even try.  I could've called Lloyd to get his number, or anything, but I didn't.

I just can't stop thinking about how fine he seemed yesterday at school.  First block we had a food day, and we were joking around, and he was using me as his foot rest like he always did.  He was even playing magic with Chris Minor.  He offered to teach it to me.  He was planning for the Dooley's on Monday night.  He couldn't decide if he wanted to be Luigi or Link.  He liked the boots I was wearing yesterday because they reminded him of the ones Link wears.  In fourth block, he signed Morgan's yearbook and showed me the Pacman game on google.  I told him I was going to steal his sand gourd backpack, and he laughed.  A few days ago, he signed my yearbook, and talked about some of our GSA workshop inside jokes.

I was at school when I found out.  Erin's play was last night, and I had promised her I would go.  Morgan called me while I was driving, but I didn't answer.  When I got to school, I called her back, and she told me.  She and John and Jacob were at Dooley's house.  Jason came and got me and took me there.  By the end of the night practically everyone from drama was there, including Matt Long.  Mr. Alexander and Mrs. Raymer even showed up.  I don't think I've ever been hugged so much in my entire life.  Lloyd was a wreck, and it just broke my heart.  When he got there I rushed outside and just stood in Dooley's driveway, holding him while he cried.  I still haven't even cried yet, not really.  I don't think it's going to sink in until Monday morning, when I walk in first block and see his empty chair.  He always sat in the yellow rolly chair beside my chair.  He liked it because it was cushy.

Monday they're going to have special counselors for the drama kids.  I don't know if I'll talk to one or not though.  I don't know if I can.