"Still Around" by 3Oh!3. It sounds like Mayday Parade, and it's really good.
I wish I was drunk right now. Or Stoned. Preferably stoned. I wish ibuprofen gets people high, because I took ten and would therefore be blitzed. It's only 2000 mg though. So two grams of ibuprofen. Big whoop. I had a bad headache, and for some reason decided to take ten. I'm retarded, I know.
But, for the past two nights, I've been missing Tony so goddamn much.
It was thundering and raining last night, It made me think about right before and right after spring break, when I would be liying awak in the middle of the night, and he would be too. And I would text him. That's when it started. When we started talking more. He knows more about me than Aaron ever did. He helped me in ways Aaron never could. For one thing, he helped me get over Aaron. If it weren't for Tony, I might still be in love with Aaron.
But I remember on one the nights I couldn't sleep (which was pretty much all of them) it was thundering and raining. And I told him how much I loved that sound. How it could sometimes sing me to sleep when nothing else could. He told me he loved it too. I wished he was there with me that night, listening to the rain and thunder with me. I wished he was there with me in an innocent way, and that's when I realized how much I cared about him. Because before then, he'd been a PIF, and nothing more. But when I realized I just wanted to lay beside him and listen to it rain and thunder, that's when I knew I was a goner.
I think maybe I loved him. Loved? Love? I don't know. I know I loved him as a friend. That's a no brainer. But I think I was in love with him. Maybe I still am. I don't know. I just miss him so much. I want him to know I'll always be there for him, but I don't know how to tell him.
I just miss him so much. I'm almost crying as I write this. And we all know, I don't cry. I just want to be able to talk to him again. He made me feel better when I was all fucked up. Which is not an easy thing to do. And now I'm cycling again, and he's not here, no one's here, and I just want to be able to talk to someone. I mean, I know I have friends that I can talk to, that will listen to me about this, but noe one understood me like he did. I thought I knew what it meant to be understood with Aaron, but I didn't have a clue until Tony. I didn't have the slightest fucking clue, and now it's gone.
Because I'm a stupid bitch that couldn't keep her mouth closed. I mean, I know it's not directly my fault that Tamara found out about everything, but I shouldn't have told anyone. I know I didn't really tell Mikela, that she found out, but someone else may have eventually said something. So I never should've opened my goddamn mouth. I just miss him so fucking much.
And now I really am crying. I'm signing off now, so I can try and have a good cry over this, although my body will probably come to it's senses after a few tears and stop.
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